Where do suppressed feelings go? E20

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Do you think that you suppress negative feelings? Through this episode, you will realize that we all do it in one way or another. That’s what we learned growing up. Most of us will not have learned to accept and live with negative feelings. If you want to find out more about how you might suppress your unwanted feelings and why it is harmful to your health, stay tuned.

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Have you learned about emotions back at school or university? Unless you are a qualified Emotions Coach or studied in the areas of psychology or something similar, your answer is probably: No. Sadly there was never a lesson or a class where we were taught what emotions are and how to treat or manage our emotions.

If you want to find out more about what emotions actually are and how they get created, you can listen to Episode 5 from earlier this year. In today´s episode, we will look closer at what happens when we suppress our feelings and emotions and why we are doing it in the first place.

Basics of suppressed feelings to start with

In general, we humans prefer positive emotions to negative emotions and from a health perspective, we are advised to have rather positive feelings than negative feelings as these have a direct impact on our physical and psychological well-being. But recent research has shown that it is not that straightforward. I personally have learned over the last year that there needs to be a balance and an acceptance of negative emotions – instead of ignoring them or suppressing them. That’s when the problem starts!

There is so much more that we humans can learn about emotions and even the most recent research in this area shows that we are a long way from fully understanding feelings and their influence on our health, our state of mind and how best to deal with them. I am going to cover emotions a lot more in future episodes as there are more and more really insightful and mind-blowing discoveries that I want to share with you. But let’s focus on one symptom today: the suppression of feelings.

6 ways humans suppress their feelings

We learn to suppress feelings right from when we are born. Even as small kids we are told to stop crying, to control our anger outbursts and to look on the bright side instead of feeling frustrated or disappointed. I don’t think it is a surprise that most of us learn through our parents and other adults in our early life to suppress our feelings. The suppression can come in different forms:

We ignore them:

That´s what happens when you feel negative feelings building up inside you and you start to distract yourself with something else, something more positive. It means you don’t even want to acknowledge the feelings but just move on to something nicer.

We numb them:

We can use external behaviours that might even turn into addictions to numb our feelings. It can be with food, alcohol, drugs and many other unhealthy coping mechanisms. These are all to distract ourselves from certain feelings coming up that we don’t want to deal with.

We try to manage them away:

Something that might be the right thing to do but can still be harmful. It is just another way to NOT have certain feelings. These are techniques like meditation, breathing, or other mindfulness techniques which we want to use more in our lives. But if they are used to handle intense and unwanted emotions this is not going to work over a long period and will have consequences.

We hide them from others:

In an interaction with another person or in a relationship we might sometimes have negative emotions and we decide to hide them instead of sharing with the other person how we feel. We still keep having the emotion especially when it becomes regular that this emotion comes up. But because we don’t deal with it, it’s another way of suppressing our emotions.

We redirect or channel them:

Instead of facing a negative emotion, we channel the build up energy into an external activity. We might go for a run or to the gym for a boxing session. Others will go on a shopping spree. In these situations, we use the energy of the emotion and redirect it to the usage of our body and try to get rid of it that way.

We live in denial or mislabel them:

You could literally live in denial of the negative emotion and pretend that it isn’t there and that you feel fine. Or you could mislabel the emotion and just call it something different that you can better live with. For example, you feel sad quite often but you say to yourself you are just exhausted.

Do some of these resonate with you? 

Do you see yourself using some of these or have you used them in the past?

 I have used many of these before and I always thought this is how it is supposed to be. Until recently I was not aware that it is so harmful to our mental and physical health and that there are ways to deal with these emotions without suppressing them. Maybe this is news to you, too? Welcome to the club!

Why is it so unhealthy to suppress your feelings?

You know, all of these forms of suppressing our feelings work for a certain amount of time. Some just work for a few minutes or hours until the emotions come back. Some can work for years and decades. In the end, we are harming ourselves through the suppression of our feelings because we are not dealing with them or living through them. And that is absolutely normal because we have never learned how to. We have all been taught these other coping mechanisms because it’s easier and less painful.

In the end, either the coping mechanism is already unhealthy like numbing or hiding your emotions, or the act of not dealing with these emotions creates stress in our body. The suppression of emotions can have various consequences like a decreased immune system which means you get sick more frequently. Repressed emotions can also factor into mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.

Animals deal with “negative” feelings better – let’s learn from them

I remember the first time I consciously listened to somebody explaining that suppressing our feelings is harmful and listening to an alternative on how to deal with negative emotions. It was a yoga and mindfulness teacher in a video from One Commune. It is an online membership where you get access to a lot of resources all around mindfulness, meditation and yoga. I will link it in the show notes if you are interested. I am not a member but I have taken part in some of their free classes.

Back to the technique. She was explaining that we want to fully feel emotions instead of stopping or ignoring them. She used the example of animals that do not suppress their feelings but let fully feel them until they have used up that energy. Of course, the emotions of an animal are not as complex as our human feelings but this example has stuck with me.

If an animal comes into a dangerous situation and starts to feel fear, the body starts to create all these chemicals for a stressful situation. It gets ready to flee, hide or fight. But then one second later it realizes that the situation is not at all dangerous and all is ok. The animal will not stop the processes in the body but rather lives through them. It will let itself feel the fear and go through any kind of motions in the body to process this fear and the chemicals until they are used up.

So when she applied it back to us humans, she suggested that we let the emotions live through us. That we accept them for what they are! They have a reason why we feel them at this moment in time or our lives. We want to try to let these feelings be. If we don´t it will be suppressed and it will either harm us or come back in different forms. And sometimes not in the best situation.

Every feeling carries a message for us

Emotions are signals for us. We just have never really learned how to read them. And that’s where it can be a bit more tricky. Some emotions can be clearly identified as to why we feel them. But quite often it is not that straightforward. The reason is that this emotion that just popped up might actually be a suppressed emotion from earlier in your life.

Just because you currently feel angry about something in your life, does not mean that this is the only thing to look at. You might have felt angry many times before in your life and it just keeps popping up in similar situations. If you decided to deal with your anger, you might want to not just look at the current situation but also at previous situations in your life where you felt anger. The anger you are feeling at the moment might be rooted in a past situation. Until you have not resolved it there, it might come back again and again in your life.

So how do we start dealing with our negative feelings instead of suppressing them? 

Before I share a few suggestions with you, I want to say that this is a journey and something that needs practice. Just imagine you have never learned how to read and write. Just because you decide now that you want to read and write, does not mean that you can do it all perfectly in a couple of weeks. The same applies to learning how to deal with our emotions. How to read them and how to resolve if we decide to not want them coming up again and again.

Learning something new is always best and most effective when you go to a specialist or an expert. In this regard, it would mean seeing a coach or a therapist, especially somebody who is specialized in emotions. That´s a good way if you feel your situation is acute or significant and you want to achieve a breakthrough quicker and sooner.

But with everything else, you can start learning to deal with your emotions by yourself. And I would advise this for everyone as you are always the person who can understand yourself the best. Nobody knows you better than yourself!

Give it space and attention

A way to accept and acknowledge an emotion is to give it space and attention. You can sit with the emotion and let it happen. This might sound a bit weird and might not work immediately. But the next time you experience a negative emotion and you have the chance, take yourself out of the situation. Go into a room where you can be alone and sit down and let the emotion happen inside of you. 

“Don’t try to make it bigger than it is, don’t try to analyse it – let it be, let it flow through your body and just be with the emotion. Feel that energy in your body moving.”

By allowing the emotion to be in your life, it might already give suggestions why it is in your life or where it comes from. Going through this exercise will help you as well to get better at identifying what the emotion actually is. Maybe the initial emotion coming up is not what transpires when you sit with it. Another emotion might come up that was hidden behind the other one because it was easier to feel that emotion instead of the true one.

Breathe and Journalling can help you

A good idea is to actively breathe through that exercise, don´t hold your breath. Breathing consciously will help the emotion not be too overwhelming and help it to pass potentially quicker. It’s unlikely that you will resolve the emotion for the rest of your life in that first sitting. But you are starting to learn to accept it and learn to live with it.

If you want to learn more about the emotion, the best way is to journal about it. You can keep an emotions diary and write anything down that comes to your mind, in your thoughts when you have this emotion. That way you might find out more about yourself and the reason why this emotion comes up for you.

There are other techniques and ways to understand your emotions and resolve them. But these are more advanced and need more guidance and explanation. Like you are not going to write a poem after 2 weeks of learning how to write. You might want to start small when it comes to getting to know your emotions.

So I hope I was able to help you discover more about yourself and your relationship with your negative emotions. And hopefully, you are open to exploring them more now that you know where to start.

Two easy ways to show your appreciation!

If you found value in today’s episode, here’s what you can do to show your support:

First, consider making a donation to the podcast. Every little bit helps to cover the costs of producing and hosting the show. And ensures that I can continue to bring you the latest insights and opinions on the topic of energy and improving your life.

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So whether you choose to donate, leave a rating and review, or both, know that you’re an integral part of my vision. You are helping everyone who struggles with burnout or high-stress levels to experience how awesome their life can be. So, thank you for your support!

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