Be the observer of your life for true change to happen E45

June 7, 2022

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I talk a lot about the observer and how it helps me in my life to step into the role of the observer (Episode 01). A few people asked me to clarify the concept of the observer, what it’s all about and how we can use it more to our benefit. So keep reading to learn about how you can become the observer of your life and can change your life quicker and better.

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Today I want to focus on you! How you can discover the observership for yourself and how you can actually use it. There are many different ways how you can benefit from becoming more observant of yourself in your life. Today I want to focus on one of the big benefits – bringing true change into your life. Being the observer in my life has made it possible for me to bring a lot of change into my life.

And of course, change is happening all the time and there are many different ways how we can change. But I had a few things in my life that I was just not ever able to change. I tried but in the end, always went back to my old habits or previous behaviours. That’s what I mean with true change. And until I learned to become an observer of myself, I can say that I never truly changed the way that I do now.

“This is about changing something big in your life that you have not been able to change over years and years. This is about lasting change. A way of changing so deeply so that you have left the old habit or behaviour truly behind.”

Throughout the episode, I will share with you how I applied it and how it changed my life for the positive.

But let’s start with an overview of the observer and what I actually mean by it.

Stepping into the role of the observer in your life means, that you are able to disentangle yourself from everything that you are usually heavily connected with. And that can be your thoughts, your mind, your beliefs, your feelings, your actions, your habits, experiences or situations in your life. Usually, we are fully connected to all of these aspects. We identify with all of them, and it creates our personality and therefore we believe that this is what we are and who we are.

And that means that you are so deeply connected to all of it. That you cannot see what is truly happening and you don’t see a way out or another possibility. Becoming more observant of all of these things in your life: your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings and so on, means you can be more objective.

I like to call it: Taking a step back

You can suddenly see the bigger picture, start to see other perspectives and new possibilities. Creating some room between what is happening and who you truly are.

You are not just your thoughts, you are not just your beliefs, you are not just your feelings. I want you to realize that you are something bigger, something greater. And by becoming the observer you are taking a step closer to who you truly are and a step away from who you usually identify with.

That might sound too crazy for you or way over your head. That’s fine, don’t worry about it. Even if you don’t want to believe that you are something bigger and greater than the person you currently are. You can still become more observant and create a better life for yourself by applying this.

I like to call it the observer, or stepping into the role of the observer. But there are other descriptions out there that might resonate more with you. For example, Abraham Hicks calls it “Your Source Energy”. Byron Katie calls it the “Compassionate Witness”. Martha Beck calls it the “Essential Self” and Brooke Castillo calls it the “Watcher”.

You can call it whatever you want to call it. Sometimes I reference it as my higher self, my true self, universal energy and there are other great descriptions of it. The word observer just works really well for me.

The observer is loving, caring and understanding

The position I am taking when I step into the observer is a higher self of me. Someone that is loving, understanding and caring. This role is not judgemental. It does not call something right or wrong, it holds itself objectively in a very loving neutral way. For me, it feels like a relief to step into the role. This role does not get involved in the emotions of a particular situation like frustration, anger, sadness, guilt or shame. It sees everything from a loving perspective and just wants the best for me.

It can take the strong emotions out of a situation and look at it from a bigger perspective to see what it is trying to tell me. Maybe there is a message, maybe there is something for me to learn. Maybe it’s time for me to grow or let go of something. When we are in the middle of such a situation like a fight, a disagreement, maybe we are upset about someone or about ourselves, we are so entangled in our thoughts and our feelings, that it is hard to see the message, the lesson or the growth.

That’s why practising to be more observant of yourself is so helpful. This practice lets you step out of it, take a break and see what else is there that you might not be seeing being in the middle of it all. Does that make sense to you?

Let me give you an example

I had a colleague in my last job that drove me crazy in meetings. Her way of working and speaking to people triggered me so much and it made me feel upset, frustrated and like we are making no progress whatsoever. It got so bad that she just had to be on the call and the feelings would already come up. I would dread having calls where she was part of it. Maybe you had a colleague like that before and it resonates with you.

Anyway, a few weeks after I understood that I can be the observer of my life, I started applying it to situations like this. I had kind of a conversation with myself about this trigger and the person and I said to myself that I did not want this to keep happening. So before the next call, I said to myself that I would not be triggered by this colleague anymore – it does not matter what she says or doesn’t say. I said to myself that I don’t want to waste my precious energy on these calls and be upset. It’s just not worth it.

I observed my previous self in these calls, and I realized that I gave my power and my energy away (Episode 41) to a situation that I cannot really change and it costs me my nerves, my good mood and my energy. Given that I suddenly was able to objectively see it, I was in a place to say: No more. I just decided to change my perspective on the person. I literally said to myself that she does not trigger me anymore, that nothing she says will upset or touch me anymore and if she speaks harshly to other people on the call that this is not my business to feel bad about.

And it worked. While I was on that first call, I kept being observant of myself and remind myself of the pact I made with myself and it worked. I did not get angry, I did not get upset and I just let go of the trigger. And I got out of the call feeling calm and just completely normal like from any other call.

Wow, it worked!

You can imagine once I realized that this works so well, I applied this to a lot of things, especially at work. I worked through all kinds of triggers that would bring me into a state or mood that I just did not want any more in my life.

Stepping into the observer role in your life gives you the needed distance from your thoughts, feelings and actions to become aware of them and to change them if you want to. This is the one big benefit I want to provide you with today. If you can be more observant of yourself, your thoughts, your emotions and these triggers in your life, you are able to actually change them.

If you have something in your life that you would like to change, then try to become more observant of yourself. most of the time we are focused on other people or our environment. In some cases, we can even blame everybody else for feeling a certain way – instead of looking at ourselves.

And I get it, you would love for the other person to stop being so frustrating or so triggering. I totally get it. But what is more likely to happen? You changing this other person or you changing something inside of you so this person does not trigger you anymore. It is much easier, costs less energy and is much more beneficial if you change your thoughts, your perspective, your attitude, and your behaviour when it comes to the same situation.

I tell you it works like magic.

What it means is that you take your power and your energy back. And you actually use it for your own benefit. Waiting for someone else in your life to change or stop doing something costs you a lot of energy. And a lot of not so nice feelings and it might never even happen.

How about you become the variable of the equation that changes something? So you are more protected, more caring about yourself and your energy? Does that sound like something you could do?

I am just giving you one of the most powerful tools that you can implement into your life to drive any kind of change. To let go of old patterns that you are having and for you to bring more joy and happiness into your life. It’s up to you to use it or not. Your choice.

Let’s look at it from another side. Remember the last time you regretted saying something to someone? In the heat of the moment and in the middle of an emotional wave inside of you, you said something to your friend, your mum, your boss or your partner that you would love to take back now? Has this ever happened to you? I bet it has to all of us at some point in our lives.

And this realization that you would love to take it back, or say it less angrily or less spiteful, this regret – that’s an inside observation of the situation. This is you observing yourself in that situation but you do it after the effect after it already happened. So you see that you are already doing it. You can already observe yourself. So how cool would it be if you can do it more real-time when it actually happens, so you don’t even say the words that you know you will later regret?

“Catching yourself in these situations and stepping into the role of the observer, gives you the ability to reflect. You can stop the whirlwind of emotions making you say something you don’t really want to say.”

By checking in with yourself and looking at the situation from the observer’s perspective you can see what is happening. You see that you got triggered and that this situation has happened many times before. You are just so tired of it. So use the role of the observer to step out of the situation.

It’s not easy at the beginning, it will feel clunky and unnatural. With everything new that we learn, right? With practise and keep using it in your life, you will get better at it. In the beginning, you might just step into the role of the observer and just turn quiet. And that might look or feel weird because you are used to reacting and responding. Let it be weird.

So what?

Is it not better that you stay quiet and for the situation to be a bit weird? Instead of you being triggered for the 1000s time and regretting your response later? don’t worry about the other person. Stay with yourself. Stepping into the role of the observer means checking in with yourself at that moment. Be with yourself: look at the thoughts that you are having, feel the emotions that are inside of you, and where can you feel them the most. Be with yourself and observe what happens – and at that moment you already changed something inside of you. By observing what is happening inside of you, you already put some distance between you and that trigger. Next time it happens, you will see the signs even earlier. You can make another choice of what to think, what to feel and what to say.

I have had several situations where I applied this in the heat of the moment. Where I stopped myself from reacting in the usual way and just went inwards. I know I did not say anything anymore and that might have been a bit weird for the people around me. But I just went inwards and was with my feelings and looked at my thoughts. I just let them be, without any judgement.

Give your emotion the room it needs

In one of the situations, I even went to the bathroom. I just stayed there with myself for a couple of minutes until these feelings calmed down. This is not about ignoring the emotions, pushing them down or denying them (Episode 20). This is about giving them space, to get to know them and welcome them as they are a part of you. I was giving them the room to be what they are and to move through me and out of me. That way I faced them, I accepted them and I honoured them. And I can tell you that these situations have never happened ever again. Since I did it and went inwards in the middle of such a strong situation, they never happened like this ever again.

It shows me how strong the observer role is and how important it is now in my life. Sure, there are situations I forget about it and I remember later that it would have been nice to use it in that situation. Well, we are all learning, this is a journey and we are getting better and better at it. Makes complete sense, right?

I hope I was able to share with you in more detail what the observer is all about. And that you can see how you can benefit from using it in your life.

Two easy ways to show your appreciation!

If you found value in today’s episode, here’s what you can do to show your support:

First, consider making a donation to the podcast. Every little bit helps to cover the costs of producing and hosting the show. And ensures that I can continue to bring you the latest insights and opinions on the topic of energy and improving your life.

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So whether you choose to donate, leave a rating and review, or both, know that you’re an integral part of my vision. You are helping everyone who struggles with burnout or high-stress levels to experience how awesome their life can be. So, thank you for your support!

Struggling with the concept of awareness and observership? Episode 60
Stop being triggered all the time Episode 66
How Changing Actually Looks & Feels Like Episode 109

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