How to say NO without feeling guilty E82
February 21, 2023
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Do you secretly or not so secretly wish you could say No but you keep hearing yourself say yes to everything and everyone? Then this is your episode, your chance to learn how to say no without feeling guilty, selfish or uncaring. I’m so excited for you to find out. Let’s begin.
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So many of us have never really learned how to say no. It’s rather the opposite that we get told to say yes and be helpful, support others and don’t ever upset them. I would have never said this about myself but I was a people pleaser and did not like to disappoint people. But by doing that, I disappointed myself and I for sure did not please myself. But in the past, I thought that was the right way to live my life.
I changed and started to say No
Well, as you can imagine, I changed my mind on this topic – big time. That’s why I want to talk to you about how to say No when we so often say yes but don’t really mean it. I am not talking about saying No to opportunities, to chances or to stepping out of our comfort zone. I want you to start saying No when you actually mean it but usually say yes to keep the peace and others happy.
If you are already perfect at saying No, no worries, feel free to jump off of this episode. But if you can do with some more courage and good reasons to say No, then stay with me here.
I know where you are coming from. As I mentioned in the past I was a great people pleaser. I was good at saying yes out of fear of upsetting people in my life. And I thought I had to say yes to everything at work if I wanted to get ahead and have a career. I really wanted to say no so many times but I thought that instead of feeling relieved and freeing up my time and energy I would just feel guilty. So therefore I did not say no.
Admiring and hating people for their skill to saying No
I remember that I sometimes admired people who were good at saying No. And sometimes I hated those people. I hated them and classified them as selfish – just because they knew how to look after themselves and I judged this as wrong or selfish. Sounds familiar?
Well, no surprise that I was not focusing on getting better at saying no if I judged others who were good at it.
I will share with you in a minute what changed for me and how I began saying no more often in my life. And how positive my life changed after I allowed myself to say no at the right moments. But first I want you to fully understand where you might end up if you don’t start to say no to people and situations in your life.
Consequences of not being able to say No
If you think it’s just easier to keep going and saying yes when you don’t really mean it, then that’s your decision and your choice. But do you think that you will feel better or worse going forward? Reflect on that for a minute.
I still remember very well how I felt and my state of being when I still said yes to everything and everyone. I was overwhelmed with too many things on my plate because I couldn’t say No. I was giving away my energy and spending it on things that were not in alignment with my soul and purpose. Other people took up my time and energy – energy that I needed for me to be happy and live a life that I actually like.
And you know what, if you keep giving other people your time and energy, they will never stop taking it. Why should they? You wouldn’t either if you were in their shoes. But you are not.
Watering down what is important to you
You are on the other side of the coin. You are the one giving your energy away to things and people that are not making you happy. By keep saying yes, you are making everything important in your life and with that, you are watering down your power and focus. You have no energy left for the things that are truly important to you and that actually make your life fulfilled and enjoyable. Am I right?
If you think I am – even if it’s just a little bit – then let’s talk about how we can change it. What needs to change for you to be able to say No going forward?
Change your perspective to saying No
If you ever want to feel comfortable or even capable of saying No instead of the usual yes, you need to change your perspective of what it means to say no. There is a reason why you are currently not saying no but wish to be able to say no. And that is because you have a certain perspective or opinion about it.
Let’s play around with some perspectives and how they can be changed and hopefully one or more of them apply to you:
1st Example – Saying No is selfish
Current Perspective is: Saying no means I am selfish and just looking out for myself. I can’t say no because then I am selfish and don’t think about the well-being of others.
A new Perspective could be: I say no to things that I don’t want to do as an act of self-love and self-care. If I say no then it is for a good reason and this is just not aligned with who I am. Saying no gives me the ability to say yes to something more fulfilling and worthy.
2nd Example – Saying No means I upset people
Current Perspective is: Saying no means that I upset people that I care about. By saying yes (even if I don’t want to) I help others and keep everyone happy. I can’t say no because then people will be upset with me and I don’t know what that would mean for our relationship or friendship.
A new Perspective could be: When it feels right for me, I say no even if the other person might wonder where this is coming from. I have good enough reasons to say no and I am willing to communicate them to the other person. Setting boundaries and looking after my energy will make me overall a happier person which will have an impact on everyone in my life.
3rd Example – Saying No means I am lazy
Current Perspective is: For me to keep growing my career and getting promoted I need to say yes to everything that my boss or others give me to do. I can’t say no otherwise I will be seen as somebody who does not want to do a good job and is lazy.
A new Perspective could be: I know what I am good at and what brings me joy and I am selective about what I chose to work on. I want to spend more of my time doing what makes me happy and what makes me grow. Saying yes to everything is not the right way. Setting priorities and being more focused on what I do at work helps me to amplify my talents and makes me shine in my best light even more.
4th Example – Saying No means I don’t care
Current Perspective is: I care for people and want to support them. That means saying yes to things that I don’t really want. But I am doing it for the greater good and to help the people in my life.
New Perspective could be: By keeping saying yes to things that I don’t want I betray my true self. If I look after myself unselfishly and compassionately, my ability to help others will be amplified because I feel better and have more energy to spend. People that I care about receive the benefits if I am more aligned with my true self, my passion and my purpose. And for that, I am willing to say No going forward.
Say No and being to love yourself
I hope I opened your eyes to another perspective to look at your current thoughts. The most important message in all of these is that you want to care more for yourself than just make other people happy. We are not in this life to make others happy but to make ourselves happy and enjoy our life. And that includes saying No to things that are just not aligned with your needs, your preferences and especially not to things that are not aligned with your passion and purpose.
The more aligned your choices, actions and behaviours are to who you truly are or who you want to become, the more balanced, energized and calm you will feel and that’s how your life is beginning to look like, too. And when your cup is full instead of empty you are in a much better place to help and support others than you are now.
Let me share with you now 2 strategies that you can start using straight away to help you say no more often.
Strategy 1: Create clarity on your vision and priorities
For you to be clearer on what to say yes to and what to say no to, I want you to become clear on your priorities and areas to focus on. I don’t want you to just use what you think or what you feel like it. Because if you have listened to previous episodes you know that our thoughts and our feelings are habituated. So rather than living your life from a limited space of your old habits and programs, I want you to evaluate what you truly want.
When you create this clarity for yourself and you are sure of what you want, you will be in a more powerful place to assess whatever comes up in your life. If a project comes up at work and usually you put your hand up just because you think it will make you look good, now you can check in if this is aligned with your priorities, if this is going to bring you joy and if you will be able to let your light shine even more through it. And if not, here is your chance to practice saying No.
How to say NO without feeling guilty
And something that can really help you with sticking to your vision and beginning to say no to things is by communicating your priorities and focus areas with the people in your life. You can discuss this with your boss and align that this is what you are going to focus on and if other things come up that will take your focus and energy away from it, you will say no.
I actually did this when I was still in my corporate career. I had a huge project to deliver and I aligned that this was my priority number one and that everything else will just have to wait if there is no spare time. And he supported me. And every time I said no to other things and I was challenged on it, I was even able to say: Happy for you to talk to my boss about it. I aligned that this is not something that can take my time away from my main project. It worked wonders for my performance, productivity and energy.
Communicate your vision so you can say No more easily
You can even communicate your vision with your family. Why not? Would it not even be great if you share your vision with them so you can refer back to it later when you say no to something? And is this not a great role modelling for your children for them to learn to feel comfortable saying No?
That was the first strategy: Create clarity of your vision, set your priorities and your focus areas and you can communicate them.
Strategy 2: Make decisions out of self-love and self-care
The second strategy is to use self-love and self-care in your decision-making process. When you are making decisions or when you are in the situation of saying yes or no to something, take a second to reflect and check in with which choice is to please others or please yourself. This is not about being selfish and stroking your ego. This is about self-care and making sure that your cup is full and not about to be empty.
Every time you are about to take a decision ask yourself: Is this decision loving to me? Do I care for myself or just what others think about me?
I think it’s pretty clear that if you keep making the same choices and saying yes to things that you don’t really want to say yes to, but secretly you want to say no, then nothing will ever change. Nothing changes until you change. And what better reason to change your perspective, your choices and your actions out of self-love and self-care?
Do you want to be happier and lead a fulfilled life?
This is something to practice and get better at over time. Like with everything in life when we try out something new, when we start learning and start changing it might feel clunky and awkward. Who cares? You want to be a happier person that leads a fulfilled and relaxed life. Here is your chance to do so.
So the second strategy I want you to use from now on is to reflect before you make a decision and make the choice that is out of love and care for yourself.
Saying No is a great way to protect your energy levels
Ok, we covered a lot in this episode. You understand now the consequences of keep saying yes to everything and everyone even if you don’t really want to. We looked at examples of perspectives and how they can be changed to support you to say no going forward. And I gave you 2 strategies that you can apply straight away and that give you the tools to begin to say no when you feel like doing so.
Saying No is a great way to protect your energy levels. If you want to find out other practices on how you can have more energy in your life then check out episode 55 – 3 Practices on how to protect your energy while still being kind. It’s a powerful episode with various areas in our life where we give our energy away and the solutions on how to get it back in a kind and compassionate way. Exactly what we created today – a way of saying no that is caring and compassionate. And does not leave you feeling guilty.
Steve Jobs said: It’s only by saying NO that you can concentrate on the really important things.
For you to lead a happier, more meaningful and fulfilled life you have to learn how to say No or stop yourself from saying Yes when you actually mean No. Now you have all the tools and strategies for you to do it!
Two easy ways to show your appreciation!
If you found value in today’s episode, here’s what you can do to show your support:
First, consider making a donation to the podcast. Every little bit helps to cover the costs of producing and hosting the show. And ensures that I can continue to bring you the latest insights and opinions on the topic of energy and improving your life.
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So whether you choose to donate, leave a rating and review, or both, know that you’re an integral part of my vision. You are helping everyone who struggles with burnout or high-stress levels to experience how awesome their life can be. So, thank you for your support!
You Might Also Like
- People Pleasing stops you from being your True Self Episode 86
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- 6 Ways to Forgive Yourself Episode 59
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