Raw and Real: Calling Myself Out On My Bullsh*t E175
December 10, 2024
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Welcome to today’s episode. I want to start by being brutally honest with you—because if I’m not willing to do that, how can I ask you to be honest with yourself? This past month has been hard. I found myself slipping back into old patterns I thought I had left behind years ago. The kinds of patterns that feel frustrating and disheartening because they make you question all the progress you’ve made.
So, if you’ve ever felt like you’re going in circles or that you should be “past this by now,” this episode is for you. I’m here to remind you that growth is a spiral, not a straight line, and every time we revisit those old patterns, we’re a little stronger, a little wiser, and a little more equipped to let them go for good. Let’s dive in.
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I want to be honest with you guys today. The last few weeks have not been easy and I want to be open about it. You get a behind-the-scenes of my last month being stuck in the old version of me and what I needed to go and go through to get myself out of it. And this literally just happened 3 days ago, which means I am still getting out on the other side.
But I think it’s important for me to be open with you that I still experience the same highs and lows as you do. I am far from perfect. Just because I find enjoyment and fulfilment in teaching this stuff, doesn’t mean that I have figured it all out for me. And that’s why I decided to share more about what I have been going through in the last month or so.
Falling back into old patterns
It feels like again and again you come up against your old stuff. The patterns, habits, and annoying behaviours that you thought you had left behind a long time ago. And suddenly they all come up again and you think for yourself: What the heck is going on? I have left this behind years ago. Why do I suddenly feel like I didn’t? Why do they show up in the same old way that was not helpful or loving to myself in the first place?
So calling myself out on my BS on this one: I have been repeating old patterns at my workplace recently. Making stories up of how stressful everything is, how I have it the hardest from everyone and that it’s all too much for me. These are the kind of beliefs, thoughts and feelings I displayed over 4 years ago before I accepted that I was burned out. And here I am, so many years later and so much wiser, or so I think, and I bring all of this junk back up. So I had to call myself out on my own BS and tell myself that this was all just a story in my head. And obviously that’s not easy. But it has to be done. The alternative of keeping stuck again in these loops is out of the question.
Getting out of the BS Thoughts, Feelings and Behaviours
So once I did it, I was able to see the situation more objectively and realise that I was playing the victim again wanting to get attention and praise from bosses or colleagues. But in the end, it sucks to live like that – especially if it’s all fake anyway. And with that little bit of distance between those patterns and myself, I was able to see that this was just another chance to let go of these outdated and unwanted behaviours. It’s just another opportunity to remind myself that I don’t need this and that once I step into awareness and have a straight talk with myself, I am able to turn my perspective around which then has a huge impact on my reality.
The day after I worked through this stuff, I was in such a better mood, saw more possibilities to deal with all of my tasks and suddenly my reality started to be much calmer and more peaceful. On that day, I received far fewer emails, nobody called me with a new urgent thing to do and the tasks of the day felt easy and were quickly done. This is just another point of proof, that this is all not real – not in the way we think it is. It shows that we create our own reality through the way we think, feel and act.
Growth Isn’t Linear—Here’s the Truth
The reason why these old patterns came up again, is because our growth journeys seem to go in a circle but truly it’s a spiral. In my example, I asked myself why I again displayed the same unhelpful patterns as I did over 4 years ago. It could seem that I am going in a circle. But what really happens is that you go in a spiral. You come up again and again to those patterns, especially if they are deeply rooted inside of you. But you have developed and are in a much better place to deal with them this time around. Instead of being stuck in the patterns for a decade, this time I was stuck in it for a few months. Next time it comes up, I hope it’s just going to be a few weeks before I realize what’s happening.
So reflect for yourself:
- What repeated patterns can you see reliving or reexperiencing in your life?
- Have you left something behind years ago, but if you look at your life now, it’s back just in a slightly different scenario?
- And if you are currently in this situation like I was and you realized that you are reliving your past, can you make a decision today to let it go again?
Not wondering why this is happening or judging yourself for not having done a good job the first time around. Just decide to let go of it again. Recommit to being done with it!
My biggest emotional breakdown so far
Back to calling myself out of my BS, by telling you all about my biggest emotional release yet. You could call it as well an emotional breakdown. I come to realize that it’s kind of the same for me now.
Given the old patterns that I was in over the last week, my emotional state has gone down. I felt stressed out, frustrated, bad-tempered and overwhelmed. All the feelings that go along with the thoughts I shared with you earlier, those old patterns. For the last month, I have not been able to get myself out of the funk. Well, minimum not in the right way. I did what I was previously doing, avoiding the emotions that were coming up by ignoring them.
I am only human – like you
You see, just because I teach about emotional release, and how to do it step by step, does not mean that I am 100% good at it. I am a student the same as you. I still have times like last month, where I forget everything I know and let myself get sucked into the emotional drama. So instead of sitting myself down and doing the work of releasing this stuff, I indulged myself in riding this stressed and overwhelmed wave.
Given that this is a downward spiral, opposite to the spiral that I shared with you earlier, of course, there is a point that I hit and can’t go any further. In the past, I would have but now my system is more alert to this emotional state and wants to end it earlier than it would have done in the past.
It wasn’t pretty, but transformational
And that’s when it happened a few days ago, the biggest emotional release I had so far. And oh boy, it was not pretty. It started on an afternoon on my drive home from work. I was in a situation with my boss that left me highly emotional and I started to see the stupidity of what I was doing. So I began to let the emotions come up on the drive home. I even went for a walk to keep experiencing and releasing what wanted to come up.
And then the next morning driving to work, it all exploded. For about half an hour I let it all come up. All the anger, the sadness, the desperation, the ugly thoughts and words that go hand in hand with these emotions. I shouted, I screamed, I cried. I don’t think I ever cried so hard. I felt like a 2-year-old throwing her toys out of the pram. It did feel like the end of the world kind of scenario. But I went with it, I let it all come up, for as long as it needed to be experienced until there was nothing left and I just felt exhausted.
Never in a million years, would I want another soul to experience me like that. Not out of embarrassment or shame, but because that level of energy that came out of me would only hurt another soul. It felt so dark, so sad, so vicious, like I never experienced it before. But that’s exactly the point of letting it out. It was already inside of me. It was not something I created out of fun. It was stuck inside of me, simmering in the background and tainting my life with its low frequency.
Coming out on the other side being grateful
I am glad it all came up and that I allowed it to be experienced and released, even if I was so shocked by myself when it happened. Now on reflection, I know that I dug deeper than I have ever done before and that’s good. But it felt horrific at that moment, wondering when it would stop. I am grateful that I called myself out on my BS as it allowed me to have this huge release of stuck low-vibrating energy. I faced my demons and I know it was worth it.
For the rest of the day, I felt pretty raw emotionally but at the same time lighter, kind of a bit spaced out. And now a couple of days later, I feel so much better. I feel like myself again whereas I felt like my old self for the last month. I feel more calm, stable and strong in my emotional state. But I know, I would not have called myself out on my BS, I would still be stuck in the old version of me going down the spiral of stress, frustration and ultimately burnout.
The Benefit of Calling Yourself Out on Your BS
Let’s be honest, it sucks to be calling yourself out on your BS. It’s so much easier to call other people out on their BS, right? But from the experience I had this week, I am literally adding this to my toolbox. I advise you to use this as a technique to grow as a human being. Yes, you heard me right, it’s now a tool to grow spiritually. I probably go ahead and create a lesson for it inside Energy Academy. It has been so eye-opening and transformative for me, that I know my students will want to take advantage of it too. Well, the ones that are ready to face their demons.
And here we are, at the end of this episode. If you’ve stuck with me through all of this, thank you—truly. Sharing these raw moments of confronting my old patterns and breaking through them is not easy, but it feels necessary. Necessary because if you’re listening, maybe you’re facing something similar. Maybe you’re stuck in a cycle that feels all too familiar, and maybe you feel like you should have “fixed” it by now. I get it. Believe me, I do.
Liberate yourself again and again
But here’s the thing I’ve learned: growth isn’t about never stumbling again. It’s about noticing when you do, quicker than before, and choosing to step out of it. It’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, and sometimes it feels downright unbearable. But it’s also liberating. Each time you face those old patterns and call yourself out, you’re not just fighting them—you’re reclaiming your power from them.
So, my hope for you as we close is this: the next time you find yourself in the middle of those old, unhelpful ways of thinking or behaving, pause. Reflect. And if you’re ready, call yourself out with compassion and honesty. Because on the other side of that discomfort is clarity, peace, and a deeper sense of self.
Thanks for letting me share this with you. Until next time, take care of yourself—and keep showing up for growth, no matter how messy it gets. You’re worth it.
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